"Live to fight another day"

Stand steadfast, face to face

Look your demons in the eye, 

or those that claim angelic grace

Consider their humanity.

Look closer, to the space 

Where eyes convey the soul, 

Search out the slightest trace

Of truth beneath their skin.

If something’s out of place

Just hovering within,

Does the smile upon their face

Reflect their own reward

In the pain that they displace,

Rather than shared warmth?

Then fear is not misplaced

So calmly walk away

From the misery they chase.

“Live to fight another day”

The Ghost of Self.

“The ghost of self”… is this a good title for this painting?

 Sometimes as I create a painting it can go through changes, it’s meaning can grow in my mind throughout the process. This can be a process of self-exploration, communicating with my subconscious, interpreting the painting’s messages through the feelings it evokes or the direction it takes.
 Normally I get to the point where I know there’s nothing else it needs, and even if I don’t or can’t verbalise it’s meanings I understand them. With this painting I feel as though the painting is finished but perhaps the process isn’t. There are a few possible reasons for this. 
 I have had a few more forced breaks between painting sessions than usual… ones where I’ve had to focus a lot on completely unrelated considerations, that probably disrupted the processing. It’s also possible that this isn’t a subject that can be fully explored in one painting… or possibly in a lifetime!  So I thought I’d try verbalising my thoughts on it’s meanings to see if it clarifies anything.

 It started with a focus on movement that conveys feeling, in the way that dance and drama communicates across the distance of the audience. Particularly dance, conveying meanings/feelings succinctly without words, and the Tango which is a dance of love, passion and pain. I think the feel of the Tango is significant to what the painting conveys about love, but the woman is depicted alone. There is a longing, and reaching out to someone, an offering… a rose. However, what is really being offered? Love, or the complete self, blindly, careless of the cost? A sense that nothing else matters, a romantic illusion of love, of passion. A hint of being trapped within a fantasy, before reality hits… or have the thorns of reality already bitten deeply, yet regardless of pain, or more tightly bound because of it, she continues to appeal to love. She has lost herself. 

 Perhaps the painting feels unresolved because whatever experience teaches me, there is still a part of myself that wants to believe in love, or perhaps needs to believe it’s possible. With or without it’s romantic connotations. Perhaps ‘The ghost of self’ is not so much about the loss of self in love, but the mourning or denial of this belief. To loose belief in love is perhaps a greater loss, than to loose yourself in love or experience pain. Binding yourself in disbelief or fear.

...Breathe into my soul unspoken meaning

Breathe into my soul unspoken meaning

Like whisperings of dawn upon my day

Wake the weary essence of my being

Step softly through the dew along my way

Drown out the steady stream of conscious thought

Crash like a tidal wave upon my shore

Until my mind forgets what living taught

And, overwhelmed by feeling, thinks no more

Ignite within my body such desire

As though black gold were rushing through my veins

And touch could set the whole of me on fire

To burn until no sense of self remains

These are as dreams my sleeping can’t contain

Till woken by your presence once again.

The search for meaning

I encountered ‘Man's Search For Meaning’ by Victor E. Frankl when I borrowed some books from a fellow Counselling student, but what drew me (and a few million others) to read it was the title. Compared to the countless other self-help titles, this book, written in just nine days, holds a worthy place at the top of this genre.
 It is both a psychological, and very personal, account of Frankl’s experiences as a prisoner in concentration camps during World War Two. It focuses on how he learnt to deal with the incredible horror of his situation, emerging with his sanity intact and his spirit, if anything, stronger than ever. Already a psychotherapist, he went on to develop Logotherapy, outlined in part two of this book. The premise of his theory is that man can find meaning in any existence, which makes life purposeful even in the ‘living hell’ of the camps, and  "When we are no longer able to change a situation… we are challenged to change ourselves".

 ‘Changing ourselves’ can be a huge challenge, and there are some situations in life that it is difficult to imagine how anyone can find a way to cope with them. Perhaps this is why the search for some kind of meaning is so important to people.
 Mankind has always sought to make sense of things… through religion, philosophy, science… and the more confusing or difficult our personal experience of life is, the more desperate we can be for answers.
 Sometimes, when we are in a difficult situation or controlling relationship, 'changing ourselves' can seem like the easier option, because we feel that we are not able to change the situation… sometimes we crush ourselves in the process, trying to conform to what ourselves, or others demand of us. It can be difficult to see that we have options, but we usually do have some choice. We are not all confined to concentration camps, and our options are not usually so limited or extreme. Reading "Man's search for meaning" taught me that in any situation I probably have more choice than I realise.

 I believe that we do have the inner resources that we need in life. There are times when we have to make tough choices. We need to have more faith in ourselves and learn to ignore (or reason with) the negative, critical voice in our own head. Listening to that voice is like turning your back on a friend when they need you most… develop an inner voice that accepts you for who you are, no unreasonable expectations, or unkind judgements, one that’s on your side. Otherwise you're just getting in your own way.

 And the search for meaning? I think that is, and should be, a personal journey… there are a lot of other people quite happy to provide us with answers, right or wrong. Whatever answers, truths, meanings are out there, you can only really ‘find’ them inside yourself.